Monday, July 16, 2007

Mr. Toll Operator, I Loathe You

The following events took place between 8:00 AM and 9:00 AM on Tuesday, February 6th, 2007.

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"No she didn't" I said to myself under my breath as I felt my pulse rate quicken.

That goddamned tramp in her white Mercedes had cut me off twice in 10 seconds.

I've killed the hopes and dreams of small children for less than that.

I was working on the second half of my coffee when the rage I felt towards this disrespectful whore overcame my very being and sent me into a fit of bloodthirsty insanity. You might not think humans are capable of sprouting massive canines akin to that of a walrus but I swear to god, when the right combination of self-rightous real estate agent and 80 miles per hour meets just the right mixture of Tuesday commute and a partial hangover, it's possible.

My trapezius muscles grew to the size of regulation footballs. She was now weaving through the 4 or 5 cars ahead of me with the same kind of blatant disregard I would expect from a 2 year old pissing in the kiddie pool. Except in this case the 2 year old was behind the wheel of a $90,000 luxury sedan while yapping away to the client who's been waiting on her for 35 minutes.

My fingers grew by at least 50%. Maybe 55%, I don't recall exactly. My field of view became tinted with red - I was going to fucking eat this woman's pancreas right from out of her cracked-open ribcage in front of anyone unfortunate enough to slow down and view the roadside spectacle when it happened.

Fuck.

Toll booth.

My thighs exploded in size and threw the driver side door right off it's hinges. I needed the breeze, too. This beast-like state I was entering was causing some unwanted heat. Soon the wind was coarsing through my thick, bear-like body hair and I began my approach to the line of cars all waiting to pay their $.50 at the toll booth. Mrs. Mercedes was only 6 cars ahead of me.

Thank god I wasn't wearing my seatbelt for surely by then I would have choked on it. My chest must have grown 40-50 inches and it was then that I became too big for my car. It's a good thing the cars were moving slowly at that point, because seeing the car in front of you pop it's fucking top like a can of sardines can raise some eyebrows.

After bursting through the roof of my car I ripped the curling steel from around my body and took survey of my beeline to that mindless hag just waiting for me to bring sweet death to her not 40 yards away. Someone honked their horn and I sent my foot through their windshield, promptly ending the existence of the annoying distraction.

I leapt straight over the first 2 cars in one bound. As I came crashing down onto the back end of the SUV in my flight path I caught sight of a serious problem.

I was at the toll booth. Up ahead was the toll operator. You can't get past the toll operator without paying your $.50.


I didn't have the $.50 required to pass so I couldn't reach where the white Mercedes had made it.





*sigh*

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